This is going to be a bit of a weepy blog for a while–the thing is, it’s just as if the world has been turned upside down. I move from being calm and collected and logical to being weepy and emotional and a total mess to I don’t really know what I am feeling. There is an absence where a loved one used to be.

My youngest son whimpers in his sleep. My eldest son, maintains a stiff upper lip. As for me–thoughts slip through my fingers and I find myself struggling to hold onto the thread of conversations. I don’t wish to burden others with my pain, with my grief, with my tears. Who do I share this agony with?

When people tell me that I am still young and who knows what will happen a year or ten years from now–I am struck dumb. I am still coming to terms with my sorrow. I am still trying to wrap my head around our loss. Does it get better after a year? Does the pain of loss diminish? Do we ever stop waiting for the key to turn in the door, for the familiar footstep, for the gentle greeting, for the words: I’m home?

Food tastes bitter. My sleep is interrupted.

I cannot imagine moving on. Right now, in this moment, it feels as if the world is standing still. The surface of my skin feels raw. I am an open wound.