Some years ago, I lost a very dear friend. In memory of her, I wrote a remembrance of gains and losses. I think of gains and losses today because I am remembering.
I think of how life after loss is similar to a losing one’s way in the dark. Familiar things become unfamiliar, one becomes disoriented, and for a while, it is like traveling or walking inside a dream.
Perhaps that’s a good thing. Inside the cocoon I built for myself, the world went on and I couldn’t care less. I remember my sister scolding me when she got here and how I felt like I had reverted to my teenage years. After my sister went home, the world felt very strange. At times, it was as if my kids and I were siblings.
When word of my sister’s passing came to me, I felt as if the world caved in.
I think that if it were not for the steady and constant presence of one of our family friends, our family boat would have capsized and sunk. I was that lost.
But, we had counselling and regular visits from municipality assigned coaches. Slowly and surely, we got back–we are still getting back to our feet.
Yesterday, my coach told me that I seemed like a much different woman from the woman she met for the first time six months ago.
You are stronger now, she said. You are more present.
I can feel it too. I still don’t like going to the graveyard. Maybe in time, it will be easier. For now, I have a regular rite of remembering. I refresh the flowers in the little vase, I put new trinkets in their corner. I tell them the little bird dropped by to say hello. The vase is from one of my lovely students, the flowers I picked up on impulse at the garden centre. The shells are in remembrance of beach walks and beach visits.
I am thankful for the time I spent with both of you. I am thankful that I loved you. I am thankful I knew you. I am thankful for the lessons I learned while walking with you. I am thankful I have the memory of you to enrich me.
Light a candle. I remember.